Name:Petite Location: Melbourne, Australia Gender:Male
Interests:fucking bitches. i'd even fuck a dead bitch. don't test me.
Expertise:running a multimillion dollar business, yet ensuring one of the key directors of the business is dirt poor. so poor that when a burglar broke into his home to rob him, he ended up robbing the burglar. that's right; andy adams.
As many of our fans admire what we get up to, we often get
emails from them asking advice. So now and then, we like to answer their
questions, and offer some advice. Please note, we are not trained
psychologists, and we do not get along well with our girlfriends. What we can
offer, I geuss, is a couple words encouagement and an over-the-internet pat on
the back.
Question: I get along with my friend
great, but when he starts drinking he becomes a real jerk. Sometimes he
urinates on his hands then tries to pimp slap me. He’s even gone to the lengths
of licking his palms in my presence then demanding paper towels and the air
conditioning get turned on “because my body is baking in here baby!” What can I do?
Okay. Sounds like you’ve got a tough situation, son.
Time to chuck on the bullet-proof vest and build a little trench in your house.
Next time he comes over and starts drinking, jump into the trench and chuck on
the vest and prep yourself for war. You see, the thing is, Intoxicated people
often say things that are uncharacteristic for their sober self. Rumour has it
that what they say when they’re drunk is what they would say when their sober,
but don’t have the balls for it. So take everything they say personally, and
plan a plot for revenge as soon as possible. The following are some suggestions
for acting as effectively as possible:
Let your friend know that you are concerned by
sending him SMS’s saying “fuck you cunt. I’m never talking to you again.
You drunk my liquor, sexually assaulted my girlfriend (then stole her) and
now you’re ringing me up every night trying to get me to pay for the
damage you did to your car when you drove your car into my living room
because I refused to serve you drinks from my bar!”.
If he doesn’t answer in approximately 0.003
seconds after you’ve sent your message, ring him up. Speak clearly and
directly without shouting.
Do not let the other person put you on the
defensive about your drinking. You’re a superior human with superior
bloodlines. Your shit don’t stink, yo.
Confront behaviour, not values. Tell him he
stinks!
Let your friend clearly know what you want to do
to him by drawing illustrations with a paint can on his car.
Know the facts about alcohol and make sure to coming
across as an expert. Get into a thick and lofty debate over alcohol
consumption and proceed to brow beat him into agreement.
Try to get the person to agree to some form of
positive action. “Lets go to the brothel man! I need to let my dick tap
draw for a while. My supply is bustin’ at the rims!”
Lose your cool. Anger was created for a reason you
PUSHOVER! Drop your pants and shit on his front lawn. You know you want to. We
all mammals, and you know it. Do not get drawn into arguments about why you are
intervening. Make sure to develop a plan of attack if he’s decided (yet again)
to not wear body deoderants. Spray him with mace and pour talcom powder over
his body like he’s a piece of meat that needs to be cured. Develop a clear
explanation for yourself ahead of time, i.e. "I'm concerned about your
safety. How much money do you have in your wallet? I need a hit and I need some
dough right now." or "Your behaviour is unacceptable, we just want to
get you someplace where you can sober up. Get the fuck out of my face you
fucking <insert racial/ethnic/religious slur here>"
If necessary call campus(Dominos hotline) or city
police (911) to help subdue the person.
If this person is a friend it would be
appropriate to express your concern about them after they sober up. If
necessary make them aware of resources, i.e. fast food restaurants. They
soak up the alcohol and will leave you feeling satisfied and leave their
body with a sweaty glow. Delicious. (Adapted from the TDC Alcohol
Education Manual 1998.)
Marc Buccella on one of his "dirty binge drinking" nights. What was to follow would shock the world.
Thats all for today. Keep us posted people! And we look forward to seeing you on TDCLabs.com
P.S. Congradulations to Simpson for marrying McGinnes!
Now on a seperate matter, a message to Alex Wong from the TDC Crew:
You will go to hell if you don't shave your hair and dye your scalp PITCH BLACK. But what if i told you
that you will go to hell ANYWAY, because i've SEEN you drinking just
last week on russel street. YOU KNOW that you've sinned a million times
before. And that last sentence on your blog about hating god is blasphemy my son. I
sentence you to 15 years imprisonment in my chamber of farts.
and then i came (all) over (your face while you were sleeping) and started smelling your ass...
ok.
this isn't going to make too much sense, but i don't give a hot
fuck...it's that time of the month again: the stalking day. on this
day, as you well know, i reveal to you my real thoughts on life and
fill you in on some of my recent activities. so the following are the
thoughts on my mind right now and you're gonna read it. if you don't
like it, blow me (especially you snszn, you look like you got some mean
teeth which would tear my dick up fo sho. nothing better than seeing
blood in your semen, is there?)
i've met men in TDC who've been virgins so long that they barely miss sex.
if i've affected your life in anyway trife when i was committing rape, forgive me.
i've
had a few drinks tonight and sniffed a little pot of leaded petrol. this lead me to discover that the best way
to get a skinny chick to have sex with you is tell rub her ass and say
"mmm, feels like you need some meat in there, bitch". needless to say i
didn't get to have sex with this woman and in fact will probably never
see her again.
shit,
that new burger from mcdonald's is a son on a bitch. let's just say my
nose became a second anus after smelling that burger, while my mouth
became a vagina and the burger became a cumcumber. it was culinary
intercourse of the finest variety.
did you know i've been stalking this girl i used to go out with? her
name is sarah. ok, that's a lie; i didn't go out with her...but i did
have a drink with her one time. or i went to a bar she was at with her
boyfriend and drank by myself while watching her and touching my penis
in the corner. i was spitting on my hand and buffing my semi erect
penis right at the moment she turned and saw me. she left right away
(calling the police as she ran out), but i think it might have just
been that time of the month for her. i'm sure she just went to get
tampons. i'm sure she'll be back. i love you baby. you know i made a
scent nugget in the toilet that night just for you. i'm a gentleman.
so...sarah.
it's been 3 months since she ran away after she saw me masturbating
while watching her at the bar with her boyfriend. luckily i was able to
find out where she lives from her driver's license which i stole from
her wallet. so i went around to her place tonight. i watched her
boyfriend. i watched them having sex from the air conditioning vent in
her bedroom ceiling. i took notes on a little notepad for as to how i
think they could improve next time and mailed it to her the following
day. seeing her have sex with another man makes me feel angry. i'm
angry at the world. why was i born with facial dysmorphia? why did i
take a shit in my pants that fateful first time i met her and then
scream "breakfast is served"? so many 'whys', not so much 'sex'. the
virginity chronicles continue.
visual representation of my expression
when i discovered sarah having sex with james anthony while at my crawl
space (aka the air conditioning vent)
so i've been having discussions with myself in the mirror of
late. made some ultimatums to myself. basically, we're gonna hit the
morgue. they keep the chicks in a
freezer before they cremate them man, i checked up on this website.
anyway, if you take them out and let the body defrost for 5-10 minutes
before getting stuck in, the moisture from the ice melting on them
makes for a perfect lubricant. and the best bit is, they burn the body
the next day, disposing of the evidence!
the exciting new website for tdclabs.com is coming up very soon. keep
your eyes peeled and your nipples protected with some leather. because
that site will be so rough it'll rip your nipples to shreds like
simpson does with her tongue teeth.
tdclabs.com &
ihavepetiteballs is fueled by Jack Daniels (TM). thanks jack, we love
you. you cunt. you taste so good with coke, with dry, with lemonade and
with fruit juice. it's our engine fuel. thanks jack. my semen is 80% jack daniels, 20% human remains.
GIRL WILL SEE HOW COOL I AM WHEN MY PEE PEE IS HER ASS
mmmmmm... coke and rum. fuck you bitches! haha, yeaaah. Mobb Deep
(rap group) beats and aggressive lyrics are making my balls rotate on their own
like their on some kind of phat rotissary wheel. I've got girls i
should be calling right now, but it turns out i've got a disease called
phone phobia. what it entails is, is a desire to call the girl of your
dreams but the ACTUAL INABILITY to pick up the phone. i always ask my
mum to call the girls i've got the number of. it involves my mum
ringing and saying "hello! this is the mother of the man that got your
number the other day. i feel that his shyness should not come in his
way of getting pussy. he's as worthy as the next man. so here i am
calling you, and asking you out for a date on saturday. Can you come?".
Woah, thank god i got that off my chest. now i can look onto life in a
brave new way. So here we go...
At TDC, we're always looking for ways to expand our consumption of
drugs. Lately, we've been preoccupied with alcohol. But since we made
some connects with another crew in the city, we've found ourselves in
the middle of a lot of drugs. We're responsible kinds of pigs, so we're
taking shit slowly. But living in the fast lane. The fast and the
furious, thats us.. We're rats. We've got hair on our back bitch, and
we're not waxing or shaving. So back the fuck up. The drug of the month
is: MARIJUANA. Ever since Norman Mellow (a fellow TDC crew member -
recently appointed Lord of the Faeces) tried it, he's been harping on
about it like a Greek Boy boasting about his subaru modifications.
Norman Mellow taking his first drag of the sticky green stuff
"Pot is like sex man! You dip your tongue on the front of the blunt and suck out the juice, just like a dirty cunt"
"Pot's fucking great man. My appetite is usually fucking massive. I
like to lick fat chicks nipples to boost my appetite. But pot makes it
300 times stronger"
"My shit is like fucking chocolate fudge ever since I tried pot. I can eat my shit now! Fuck Hersheys!"
"My nipple hair helps buffer the marijuana in my joints. I can make a real sweet blend with it now..."
A breakfast toke always helps you face the day with a clearer mind
And also, turns out there's a new meal deal going down at mcdonald's - bacon burgers with two beef patties. When us TDC members are puffing on
12" cigar sized blunts down at St.Kilda beach, we love to hit up
Mcdonald's for a little Bacon Bitch Break (TM) as we like to call it. So
here's the low down guys. We're doing pot like the worlds going up in
flames.
We're fucking virgins. Pussy has never been revealed to us. We're ready to bone bitches and bone blunts baby.
In the coming months, we'll take you through our explorations in pot.
In April, we'll be trying Ketamine, Ecstacy and some Heroin. If you
don't like it, then suck on your own breast milk. Hell, even if you
like this, suck on it. I bet it will taste better if you have urine
chasers with it.
Time to go and do a marathon and 500 push ups, guys. But before I go
I'd like to explain to you some sexuality techniques to use on your
girl if she's into pot. Spread her legs, get deep inside, and if she's
still not coming, put her on her back and sort of rotate her hips
upwards so her thighs are pointing vertically. Then, using your dick,
push down real hard. Try and fuck the left or right side of her pussy,
too. Go hard.* This is purely hypothetical. Not ever tried. But i do
plan on trying it when i find an animal without hair on its back.
The Hairy Goat. I don't plan on going down this rectal avenue until all my options have been explored...
THE FAST FOOD CYCLE: DOES YOUR BODY SMELL LIKE A BUTCHER SHOP YET?
Good
morning. I'm writing this entry as I breath in the air of a fart which
is reminiscent of last nights Hungry Jacks Hungry Hippo Binge. There's
something about fast food that has struck a chord with me since day
one. The sights, smells and sounds of that little obesity powerhouse
churning out microwaved rat meat patties and fried fingernail chips are
just so alluring. Anyway, I've been studying the science of fast food
lately and i've come across some crucial insights that I will share
with you today.
But before we get started, I'd just like to remind you that inhaling
chemicals can cause a quick, powerful high similar to the effects of
drinking alcohol according to the the National Institute on Drug Abuse.
The symptoms are short-lived, so abusers often use the chemicals
repeatedly to maintain their high. That means you're going to want to
make sure you have plenty in stock before you get started.
There is a cycle to eating fast food that I have observed over
the years during my long tenure at TDC. I've broken it down into five
phases:
1. The fervently excited phase:
At this stage, you're a person (most often a chubby virgin) who's as
hungry as a hippo. You're too lazy to think about making your own meal
and a fast food joint is right there. Like a vibrator on your desk with
some batteries in the drawer, you think "why not?" The smell is
alluring. It smells like burning bodies. You scratch your vagina and
think to yourself "Ow, this urinary tract infection burns. It
burns....Hmm, I think i'll get some KFC". Instantly, your body
experiences a rush of adrenaline like no other. Suddenly everything
you've ever dreamt of is coming to fruition. Dipping your paws into
that sweet slimey secret herbed and spiced chicken wing. Licking the
underside of the chicken wing like a pervert (where the bone meets some
intestinal organ) with your tongue like a lizard, while making sure
nobody is looking.
Above: Andy Adams gets sprayed with mace to curb his enthusiasm for hitting another McDonald's store up.
2. The hoggish menu scanning phase: This
phase is the longest phase of them all. Often it may take you about
20-30 minutes of scanning the menu to even get close to an IDEA of what
you want to order. When you finally do decide what to get, suddenly you
start having second thoughts. You're thinking "is that going to be
enough? I think I might have a tape worm to feed too." Basically, this
phase is the most irritating phase to normal people. They'll start
saying things like "Come on guys! How long does it take to order!?
We're going to be here all day", but all that does is slow you down. As
you come up with witty replies, telling them to quieten down, your menu
scanning process is slowed.
3.. The aggressive impatient phase:
So you've waddled your way to the counter. You've scanned the menu for
what seems like an eternity. Now you've ordered your meal. But it
hasn't arrived yet. You're getting angry. You think to yourself "Hey -
isn't this meant to be FAST food?!" At this point, you may even walk
towards the corner of the store, stick your finger into your underpants
and try and get some crusts from around your genetalia. That’s the
beauty of being human – you can adapt to your environment. If there’s
no food around, you can dip your finger into the snout of beauty and
take some hits to keep your blood sugar levels up while you wait for
the bitches to flip your burgers and cook up your fries.
4. The black-out phase: The most beautiful phase of
them all. In this phase, the cashier passes that dirty brown bag that
resembles a doggie hygene bag or a vomit bag from an airplane over the
counter. You hastily grab the bag and turn around 180 degrees rapidly,
trying to avoid eye-contact with the people in line behind you. One
foot following the other, you make your way to the chair (Editor's
note: if you're anything like me, you need one of those booths that
seats 4 people). Suddenly, everything goes black. Your eyes first see
dots, you can’t breathe. You feel like you’re falling backward...Your
body is being taken over by the bag of body parts in your hand. Your
breasts start to expand with sour breast milk and leak through onto
your shirt. It's yellow. Your thighs start to de-metabolise, and triple
in size and weight. Your stomach feels as if a brick has been rammed in
through your belly button (after the body cheeses have been removed, of
course). And your arm pits are firing like a Japanese war ship during
World War 2 in Pearl Harbour.
5. The depression phase: Suddenly you come back to reality. No longer unconscious with greed and fast food fury,your
eyes open and you’re alive again. “Huh? What the? Where’d my money go?”
you think to yourself. You feel like you’ve been and had a prostate
examination from a massive black witch doctor. You check your wallet
and the $10 that was supposed to last you two weeks has been reduced to
$0. You feel like your intestines are enduring a rape and pillage. Your
shirt is drenched with sweat, and your colon is talking to you in some
strange Arabian language. Your anus has got bad, bad breath. Rotten
eggs? Dirty beef? Curried colon? You never know. Your burps are like
mini-Nagasaki atom bombs. Being a well-educated person, you run to the
disabled toilets (as the door way is typically wider than normal rest
room doors). You take a dump and inspect the bowl afterwards. "Hey!"
you shout out. "What’s that!? Mini eggs? Emperor penguins hatching?
Shit!" you say to yourself. "I’m never eating fast food again!" You
leave the disabled toilets careful not to flush before leaving. On your
way home. you walk past a quaint little store on the corner “Hey – that
place looks alright. I feel like some burgers. Mmm, McDonald's”. You
walk in. Go to phase one. The cycle continues...
